12 year old fat girl

6th grade
Classmates looking through Teen Beat magazine.
Mark Paul Gosselar - 125lbs
They commented on being 30 & 35 pounds lighter than him.
I was 5 pounds heavier.
Why am I so fat??
No one will ever love me.

7th grade
I had the hugest crush
My friend told a friend of his.
His friend laughed but told him.
He was my unofficial date for the Christmas dance.
He saw me at the dance.
His friend told my friend that he changed his mind about wanting a date.
It's nothing personal.
Then he danced with the popular girl all night.
Why am I so fat?
No one will ever love me.

10th grade
Feeling so worthless & unattractive
I dated him off & on for months.
I don't remember liking him. Obligated because someone wanted me.
He likes me even though I'm fat.
Just pretend to like him.

10th grade math class
Hey piggy.
Do I smell bacon?
Where's Kermie?
Almost every single day.
I hated math class.
Why do they hate me because I'm fat?
I hate being me.

Age 18-21
Fat bitch.
In front of his friends.
Commented on my wide ass.
In front of his friends.
Cared more about things than he cared about me.
Staying because he 'loved' me.
He says stupid things but he loves me even though I'm fat.
I love him

So many people in my life out of fear
Best friends & boyfriends, family too
Fought battles that weren't my own

Until I had enough

Ties irreparably severed

Shut down
Gate is locked
Border secured

Loneliness lies in a heap behind the gate
Often wanting to unlock the door
The 130 pound, 12 yr old inside my head...
She stops me always
Never sure she can fully trust

Waiting for the inevitable
Disappointment
Judgement
Heartbreak

The 12 year old fat girl trusts no one
The 39 year old fat girl is trying to

I remember

I remember when I liked myself
No wait, I don't, that's a lie

Years of self hate chewing away at my soul like a dog with a bone.

Always wanting affirmation from others.
Needing to be told value dwells within my bones.
Skeptical of anyone who cared for me but still clinging to them like a life raft.
My worth always resting on the tip of their tongue.

I remember when I was first cut down.
Made superbly & ironically aware that I was less than for being more.
Maybe it wasn't the first time.
Just the one that embarrassed me the most.

We were just kids, 8 or 9, I suppose.
Neighbours playing together.
I still hear his words cut like a knife in to my fragile existence.
Picking teams, odd number of players.

He says with a laugh - Paula should count for two.
I prayed for the ground to swallow me up.
My mother to call for me to come home.
Anything to save me.
I felt less valuable than one.
I didn't count at all to him.

Another time, same friends.
Swimming.
Same boy.
My armpit fat hanging out.
He says with a sneer "Is that your boob?".
I wanted to go under the water & never come back up.
Instead I started wearing tshirts over my bathing suit.
Hoping that he'd leave me alone.


30 years those words spinning in my head.
30 years of self doubt.
30 years of unworthiness.
30 years of relying on the opinions of others.

I refuse to let it be 31.